West of the Moon

A Tolkien Fanfiction Archive

 

 

The Fellowship of the Ring: LotR: Breadbox Edition
Three hours is long time...
Author: Evadne
Rating: PG-13
Category: AU-Humor/Parody

 

(Author's Note: Idea for abridgement comes from the Editing Room.  The Lord of the Rings does not belong to me.  It belongs first and foremost to the Tolkien estate.  Though I'm sure New Line has few things to say about it.)

 

LORD OF THE RINGS: BREADBOX EDITION
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGS
 

FADE IN (SORT OF):
 

EXT/INT. DARKNESS
 

NARRATOR

Once upon a time, Sauron got the great idea of
ruling the world via some rings.
 

SAURON, who looks like a kitchen appliance gone horribly wrong, shows off his flashy new jewelry.
 

NARRATOR

Not everyone was thrilled with this idea,
so there was a war.
 

Lots and lots of ELVES and MEN fighting ORCS.  ELROND looks pissy.
 

NARRATOR

Sauron had the One Ring and was
therefore whacking people left and right.
 

SAURON kicks the ass of ISILDUR'S FATHER and menaces the hell out of ISILDUR.
 

NARRATOR

But, Sauron rather stupidly reached toward
Isildur with his Ring hand and Isildur chopped
it off.
 

First of many shots of SAURON'S FALLING FINGER with THE RING.
 

NARRATOR

Isildur could have destroyed it then and there,
but nooooo.  He was a big dope and kept it.
The Ring was not happy with this and quickly
arranged Isildur's death.
 

RING calls in A HIT on ISILDUR.  ISILDUR gets jumped by an ORC but somehow ends up in a RIVER with arrows in his back.  RING ends up UNDERWATER.
 

RING

Well, this is inconvenient.
 

NARRATOR

And everyone pretty much forgot about the
extremely important war.
 

GOLLUM goes swimming and picks up a GIANT PEARL, I mean, THE RING.
 

NARRATOR

The Ring did wonders for Gollum's social life.
 

GOLLUM

Precioussss...
 

RING

Hoo boy.
 

BILBO finds THE RING.  GOLLUM freaks.
 

NARRATOR

Which brings us to...Now.
 

EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY SHIRE
 

FRODO

Hi there.  I'm extremely adorable.
 

GANDALF rides up, singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.
 

GANDALF

Hello, Frodo.  Why don't I
not tell you things.
 

FRODO laughs.  It would behoove the AUDIENCE to remember this sound, as they will never hear it again.
 

GANDALF randomly drops off FRODO and goes to see BILBO.
 

BILBO

I'm going to say some vaguely
disturbing things while Gandalf
engages in some slapstick.
 

GANDALF smacks his HEAD.
 

GANDALF

Let's have a smoke.
 

AUDIENCE

I was gonna go research the Ring
But then I got high.
I was gonna destroy the bloody thing
But then I got high.
Now the world is in imminent danger
And I know why.
Because I got high, because I got high,
Because I got high.
 

EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY PARTY
 

BILBO

We need to make several clever
references to The Hobbit.
 

MERRY and PIPPIN do something stupid, thus establishing themselves as COMIC RELIEF.
 

BILBO

Now, I will make an insulting speech
that no one will understand
because you can barely add fractions.
God, I'm clever.
 

BILBO'S EGO implodes, causing him to DISAPPEAR.
 

GANDALF

Oh, for heaven's sake.
 

GANDALF berates BILBO for wanting to keep THE RING.
 

BILBO

Remember those vaguely disturbing
things I said earlier?  Now I'm going to
say some blatantly disturbing things.
 

GANDALF talks BILBO down by putting on a LIGHT SHOW, or more to the point, A SHADOW SHOW.
 

BILBO

Okay, I won't do that freaky thing
with my eyes again.
 

GANDALF

Leave the Ring for Frodo.  I'm sure
he won't mind having to keep the
evil object.
 

BILBO goes off, also singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.
 

BILBO

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began...
Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm
BORK, BORK, BORK!
 

GANDALF

I'm going to wait for Frodo to come
home so I can not tell him things.
 

FRODO

I'm home!  Why do we keep having
extreme close-ups of Bilbo's ring?
 

GANDALF

I can't tell you that.
 

GANDALF rides off to the CGI CITY OF MINAS TIRITH to have a FLASHBACK of the FLASHBACK.
 

EXT. THE CGI CITY OF BARAD-DUR
 

GOLLUM

Shire...Baggins!
 

The EXCESSIVELY CREEPY BLACK RIDERS go off looking for someone named SHIRE in the land of BAGGINS.
 

EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY, BUT NOT FOR MUCH LONGER, SHIRE
 

FRODO

La, la, la.  Life is good.  Nothing
can possibly go wrong.
 

GANDALF

BOO!
 

FRODO

Me and my big mouth.
 

GANDALF

The Ring is evil.
 

RING

Hey, I am in the room!
 

GANDALF

You have to go.  Gollum told
everyone.
 

GANDALF shows us a FLASHBACK we didn't need to see.
 

GANDALF

I'm going to see the obviously
evil Saruman.
 

FRODO

That's great.  I'm sure you'll
be captured and I'll waste time
waiting for you.
 

GANDALF

Hmm...You can't go alone, so...
 

GANDALF pulls SAM from thin air.
 

SAM

Ack!  Gardening!  At night!
 

GANDALF

Whatever.  I need someone
to obsess about Frodo.
 

SAM

I'm your man.
 

GANDALF goes off to get captured and FRODO and SAM go off to find MERRY and PIPPIN doing something stupid.
 

FRODO

The excessively creepy black rider is
coming!  Hide!
 

BLACK RIDER

Dammit, why can't I find this
Baggins place?
 

RING

Hey, you!  I'm down here!
Frodo, put on the Ring!
 

FRODO looks adorable while fighting off the RING.
 

BLACK RIDER gets frustrated and screams like the SUBWAY ARRIVING.
 

THE HOBBITS run like hell to the FERRY.
 

BLACK RIDER

Hey!  You!  Can I get directions?
 

FRODO

Argh!
 

BLACK RIDER

Wait!  I need help here!
 

FRODO leaps five whole feet onto the FERRY.
 

INT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN
 

GANDALF

I need your help.
 

SARUMAN

Blegh.  I vant to suck your blood.
 

GANDALF

Despite your creepy demeanor, I'm going
to reveal some secrets.
 

SARUMAN

I work for Sauron.
 

GANDALF

You are the wisest of the Wise.
 

SARUMAN

I'm evil.
 

GANDALF

I trust you implicitly.
 

SARUMAN

I'll make you break dance.
 

GANDALF

You ARE evil!
 

GANDALF and SARUMAN have a really silly looking fight.
 

EXT. THE TOWNSHIP OF BREE
 

FRODO

Gandalf isn't here.  I wonder why.
 

MERRY

Let's get drunk!
 

PIPPIN

I see no reason why not.
 

RING

Those idiot Ringwraiths are lost again.
Frodo, put me on so the Eye can
give them directions.
 

FRODO

Ack!  Now I must look sad and tormented.
And adorable.
 

PIPPIN does something stupid.  FRODO goes to stop him and, OOPS!, falls.  RING lands directly on his finger. 
 

RING

Score!  I thought that was going to
take weeks!
 

FRODO appears in the FREAKY-DEAKY world of DARKNESS.
 

EYE OF SAURON

ROAR!  I...My god, your eyes are blue!
 

FRODO

Well, I am adorable.
 

BLACK RIDERS

Oh, so it was someone named Baggins
in the land of Shire!
 

BLACK RIDERS scream like NAILS ACROSS A BLACKBOARD.
 

FRODO pulls off the RING just in time to be molested by STRIDER.
 

STRIDER

There's been enough adorability.
Time for some rugged handsomeness
from Strider the Ranger.
 

SAM

Frodo's been out of my sight for three seconds!
 

STRIDER

I've come to guide you to the next plot point.
We need to set it up so the audience thinks
the Black Riders are killing you, while you
are actually somewhere safe with me.
 

BLACK RIDERS stab beds, while shots of SAM are shown.  INFANTS and SMALL DOGS are not fooled.  BLACK RIDERS scream like a CARNIVAL RIDE COMING TO A COMPLETE STOP.
 

AUDIENCE

Enough already!
 

STRIDER

Oh, my name is actually Aragorn.
 

FRODO

You didn't pretend it was Strider for
very long.
 

ARAGORN

Well, multiple names are cumbersome.
Just ask Mithrandir.
 

SAM

Who?
 

EXT. WEATHERTOP A.K.A., THE NEXT PLOT POINT
 

ARAGORN

I'm going to conveniently wander off.
 

FRODO

I'm going to conveniently go to sleep.
 

Without supervision, PIPPIN immediately does something stupid.
 

BLACK RIDERS

Oh, there they are!
 

AUDIENCE
You guys aren't very bright, are you?
 

BLACK RIDERS surround the HOBBITS.  It's all very creepy and scary.  FRODO falls.
 

AUDIENCE

Oh, for the love of...
 

BLACK RIDER stabs FRODO.
 

AUDIENCE

Noooo!  Will his cuteness suffer?
 

FRODO

No, I'm just going to get cloudy contacts,
varicose veins and start making funny
noises, but I'll still be the cutest thing
you've ever seen.
 

ARAGORN manages to show up.
 

SAM

It's about time.
 

ARAGORN

Sorry, traffic.
 

ARAGORN whups the BLACK RIDERS with fire.
 

BLACK RIDERS

Fire bad!
 

There is one BLACK RIDER left.  ARAGORN throws the burning brand in his face.
 

BLACK RIDER

Well, I'll just be going then.
 

EXT. THE ENCHANTED WOODS
 

GLORFINDEL

Well, it's just about time for
me to go save Frodo.
 

Suddenly, a SHOVEL thwacks GLORFINDEL across the back of his head.  ARWEN is shown holding the SHOVEL.
 

ARWEN

Sorry, Glory.  It's my time.
 

ARWEN unceremoniously dumps his body in a ditch somewhere with that of TOM BOMBADIL.
 

ARWEN

Hi, honey.  I'm here to save you.
 

ARAGORN

Arwen!  I'm glad to see you.
But, where's Glorfindel?
 

ARWEN surreptitiously kicks some dirt on the bodies.
 

ARWEN

Beats me.
 

ARAGORN

Oh well.  Can you save Frodo?
 

ARWEN

Like, fer sure!
 

ARWEN grabs FRODO and rides like hell.
 

BLACK RIDERS

Hey, you can't take him!  We stamped
him for ourselves!
 

ARWEN

Like, come get him, dorkwads!
 

ARWEN steals her FATHER'S JOB and starts the flood herself.
 

BLACK RIDERS

ARGH!  First fire, now water!
Nature sucks!
 

FRODO passes out and has TRIPPY DREAMS about architecture.
 

INT. THE OVERBLOWN ELF CITY OF RIVENDELL
 

FRODO

No, I hate rococo!  What?
Where am I?
 

GANDALF

Hi, Frodo
 

FRODO

Gandalf!  Where the hell were you?
 

GANDALF has a FLASHBACK.
 

EXT. ORTHNAC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN
 

SARUMAN beats up on GANDALF.
 

SARUMAN

Idiot!  Of course I'm evil!
 

But, because Gandalf can speak MOTH, he catches a ride on one of the BIG-ASS EAGLES OF MIDDLE-EARTH.
 

END FLASHBACK
 

FRODO

Um...Gandalf?  Hello?
 

GANDALF

I'm sorry, what?  You know I can't
tell you anything.  Say hello to Elrond.
 

3000 years later, ELROND still looks pissy.
 

GANDALF

And Bilbo.
 

BILBO looks like he's been put in an OVEN for a while.
 

FRODO

Wow, you got old quick.
 

BILBO

It's one of those vaguely disturbing things
from the beginning.
 

FRODO gets some brief happiness before the really depressing part of the movie begins.
 

GANDALF

Now what?
 

ELROND

Now we will have a flashback to explain
why I look so pissy all the time.
 

The FLASHBACK of the FLASHBACK starts again, this time from ELROND'S POV.  ISILDUR refuses to give up THE RING.  Again.
 

AUDIENCE

Yes, we know.
 

EXT. THE OVERBLOWN ELF CITY OF RIVENDELL
 

LEGOLAS and UNIMPORTANT ELVES arrive.
 

GIMLI and UNIMPORTANT DWARVES arrive.
 

BOROMIR and THE OLD GUYS OF GONDOR arrive.
 

BOROMIR studies the picture of SAURON offering to make ISILDUR Julian fries with his headgear.  Then, BOROMIR disrespects the SWORD-THAT-WAS-BROKEN that others obviously revere.
 

BOROMIR

There, I think that establishes some
tension between Aragorn and myself.
 

ARWEN

Don't let him get to you honey.
Let's have a saccharine moment.
 

AUDIENCE

<pukes>
 

INT. THE NOT-SO-SECRET COUNCIL OF ELROND
 

BOROMIR

I will further establish myself as trouble.
 

LEGOLAS

I will go on the offense.
 

GIMLI

I will get indignant.
 

ELROND

We must get rid of the Ring.
 

RING

Just try it, Pissy Boy.
 

GIMLI tries to break the RING, but only succeeds in shattering his AX and giving FRODO a headache.
 

ELROND

The Ring can only be destroyed where
it was made.  In Mordor.
 

AUDIENCE

That's convenient.
 

ELROND

So, who wants to die?
 

FRODO

I'll go.  I'll do anything to stop
The Ring from reciting that damn
poem over and over again.
 

GANDALF

You'll need an old guy.
 

LEGOLAS

And my ability to be delicious without
being fey.
 

GIMLI

AUCH!  And my accent.
 

ARAGORN

I must go to assuage my self-doubt.
 

BOROMIR

Well, you need some conflict, so
I'll go too.
 

SAM

And if I lose sight of Frodo, I'll panic.
 

MERRY AND PIPPIN

Hey, you'll need comic relief!
 

ELROND

I need a security system.
 

INT. BILBO'S ROOM
 

BILBO

Do you think I could possibly,
you know, see the Ring?
 

FRODO

I'm not sure if that's such a good...
 

BILBO spontaneously turns into GOLLUM.
 

AUDIENCE

HOLY SHIT!
 

FRODO

Okay, time to leave.
 

EXT. PLACES THEY AREN'T GOING
 

GANDALF

We can't go this way.
 

AUDIENCE

Well, that was a waste of time.
 

EXT. ORTHNAC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN
 

SOME ORC

What does The Eye want now?
 

SARUMAN

We need to create the mutant from Small
Soldiers
and pull down some trees to
guarantee the animosity of the Ents.
 

AUDIENCE

Cut your nails!
 

EXT. MORIA, OR THE REALLY BAD PLACE
 

GANDALF can't figure out how to open a door.
 

PIPPIN does something stupid and attracts the attention of EVIL.
 

SAM says goodbye to BILL THE PONY, world's most underrated character.
 

FRODO figures out the riddle that GANDALF missed and the door opens.
 

AUDIENCE

<throws their arms in the air>
 

Turns out, there are LOTS O' DEAD PEOPLE in MORIA.
 

BOROMIR

This is not encouraging.
 

AN EVIL THING immediately goes after FRODO.
 

AUDIENCE

It's the giant squid from
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea!
 

GIANT SQUID traps everyone in MORIA.
 

AUDIENCE

That's convenient.
 

LOTS OF DARK SHOTS.
 

FRODO

Hey, isn't that Gollum?
Too bad he's not dead.
 

GANDALF

Don't be judgmental.
 

FRODO

Yeah, but if Gollum were dead, Mordor
wouldn't know we had the Ring and
all this would be a moot point.
 

GANDALF

Shut up.  He's some part yet to play.
 

AUDIENCE

<bites at the air>
 

GIMLI discovers the BODY OF A KINSMAN and get EMOTIONAL.
 

LEGOLAS

Must...move...on.
 

AUDIENCE

Really.
 

PIPPIN does something stupid and attracts the attention of EVIL.
 

ORCS appear for the FIGHT SCENE.  CAMERA switches to BLAIR-WITCH-O-VISION.
 

NINE PEOPLE utterly kick the asses of dozens of ORCS.
 

CAVE TROLL bursts through the door.
 

AUDIENCE

Argh, Harry Potter flashbacks!
 

YET ANOTHER EVIL THING goes immediately for FRODO.
 

FRODO gets stabbed.
 

EVERYONE ELSE

Nooooo!
 

AUDIENCE

Not again!
 

Filled with RAGE at FRODO'S "death," EVERYONE attacks the CAVE TROLL.  Which dies.  Twenty minutes later.
 

FRODO

I'm not quite dead yet.
 

EVERYONE runs like hell.  They are pursued by the EVIL, RED LIGHT.
 

GANDALF

Come on, today folks!
 

EVERYONE runs like hell down the WINDING STAIRS.  GIMLI thinks he can make a twenty-foot leap.  Right.
 

The EVIL, RED LIGHT catches up with them.  It's a BALROG.
 

GANDALF

Aw, hell.
 

GANDALF stops on the NARROW BRIDGE to keep the BALROG from following.
 

BALROG

Screw Gandalf!  Where's this Ralph
Bakshi guy?
 

GANDALF

None shall pass.
 

GANDALF takes the BRIDGE out.  BALROG falls to its demise.
 

AUDIENCE

Does that thing have wings?  If
so, why doesn't it just fly?
 

BALROG takes GANDALF out.
 

GANDALF

I can manage to be insulting moments
away from death.
 

ARAGORN and BOROMIR drag FRODO away from making a FOOL of HIMSELF.
 

ARAGORN

Time to run like hell again.
 

EXT. THE EVEN MORE ENCHANTED WOOD
 

HALDIR

Stupid dwarf.
  

GIMLI

AUCH!  I must get indignant again!
 

CELEBORN

I'm a non-entity.  Feel free to ignore me.
 

GALADRIEL

I'm creepy, vaguely threatening, not respecting
of others' mental autonomy and I look like
Joan Osborn.
 

GALADRIEL creeps out FRODO.
 

INT. THE ENCHANTED VILLAGE OF THE EVEN MORE ENCHANTED WOOD
 

GALADRIEL wanders by.
 

AUDIENCE

What if God was one of us?
 

FRODO follows GALADRIEL to check out her MIRROR, VANITY and DRESSING TABLE.
 

FRODO

Shouldn't Sam be with us?
 

GALADRIEL

Nah.  Want to see something
really scary?
 

THE EYE OF SAURON shows up again.
 

EYE OF SAURON

Hello?  Anyone out there?
 

FRODO

My life is going to be miserable, isn't it?
 

GALADRIEL

You can take one friend with you, and you
still have your adorability.
 

FRODO

That's true.  Do you want the Ring?
I feel obligated to ask everyone I meet.
 

GALADRIEL also puts on a LIGHT AND SHADOW SHOW.
 

 

GALADRIEL

Nope.
 

EXT. ORTHNAC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN
 

SARUMAN gives an inspirational pep talk to his ORCS.
 

SARUMAN

Give 'em hell in the fourth quarter!
 

EXT. THE RIVER
 

ARAGORN

Thanks for the boats!
 

GALADRIEL gives FRODO light from a STAR and shows off her manicure.
 

GALADRIEL

Same guy who does Saruman.
 

MANY NICE NEW ZEALAND RIVER SHOTS.
 

ARAGORN

Look at the Argonath!
 

THE ARGONATH

Stop!  In the Name of Love!
 

LEGOLAS

We need to stop so Boromir can attack
Frodo and so Gimli can rest.
 

GIMLI

AUCH!  Indignation!
 

EXT. THE SHORE
 

FRODO

I'm going off alone!
 

ARAGORN

Later.
 

AUDIENCE

Frodo's not too bright either.
 

RING

Psst.  Boromir.  C'mere.
 

BOROMIR

Hey, Frodo.  What's up?  I was
wondering...
 

BOROMIR jumps FRODO.  FRODO uses the RING to escape.
 

BOROMIR

D'oh!
 

FRODO runs like hell through the FREAKY-DEAKY world of DARKNESS.  THE EYE OF SAURON makes him fall.  ARAGORN manages to show up.
 

FRODO

I'm leaving.  Alone.
 

ARAGORN

What did that moron Boromir do?
 

FRODO

Never mind.  Orcs!
 

CAMERA switches to BLAIR-WITCH-O-VISION again.
 

There is an EXTENDED FIGHT SEQUENCE while FRODO runs away.  Alone.
 

ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI kick serious ass.
 

BOROMIR tries to protect MERRY and PIPPIN.  He does a poor job and REFUSES to DIE.  AUDIENCE is either IMPRESSED or LAUGHING.
 

ARAGORN saves BOROMIR.  Sort of.
 

BOROMIR

Aragorn.  I always loved you.
 

ARAGORN

Um...
 

BOROMIR finally DIES.
 

FRODO is ELSEWHERE, trying to escape alone.  SAM is too paranoid and too crafty and manages to catch up.
 

SAM

I can't let you leave my sight!
 

FRODO

Oh, for the love of...
 

FRODO saves SAM from DROWNING.
 

THE MOMENT

Hi there.  Have some emotion.
I've got plenty for all.
 

THE MOVIE ENDS.
 

AUDIENCE

WHAT!?  NOW?!
 

FRODO

Unless you want to sit through
another six hours?
 

AUDIENCE

YES!
 

ENYA ON SOUNDTRACK

Hmm...I just got my tranquilizer prescription
refilled.  Must be time to write another song.
 

(A/N: "Because I Got High" belongs to Afroman.  "One Of Us" belongs to Joan Osborn.  Abridgment is a relative term.)

 

Back to Gen Story Listing