West of the Moon
A Tolkien Fanfiction Archive
Before I go to sleep
This is a lovestory between the Ringbearer and a girl from Hobbiton. It's obviously AU and a tale about what might have been if Frodo had ever found a love of his own. What would happen when the danger of the ring is revealed and Frodo has to leave? Would she wait for his return? And how would she handle the fact to be left behind again - and this time forever?
Author: Cuthalion
Rating: NC-17
Category: AU-Angst/Drama
Chapter Fourteen
February Frost
October came, and with it three carts loaded tower-high with everything Lobelia Sackville-Baggins wished to move to her new property. She hired half a dozen women from Hobbiton ("to scrub away the stench of those bachelors", as she was quoted), kept a jealous watch on every single movement and scandalized Pansy Boffin and Chrysanthemum Beechleaf by accusing them of stealing some of her best silverware. Chrysanthemum, who made no secret of her heartfelt animosity towards the elder woman, paid Lobelia out in her own coin.
"She crossed her arms and gave her a mocking glare", Rosie told Lily while they sat in the small Proudfoot parlor on that cloudy Sunday afternoon, "and then she said: ''Even if we were, which we ain't, it wouldn't be the first time someone tried to make off with spoons from this smial from all I've heard.' Pansy giggled and added: 'Though 'twas nice of Mad Baggins to leave you the box for your takings when he went off.' And before the old frump had recovered enough to answer, Chrysanthemum and Pansy were halfway down the Hill."
Lily laughed, and Rosie laughed, too, but mirth faded from her eyes rather fast. Since Frodo Baggins had gone - and her Sam with him - she didn't laugh very often anyway.
Lily made herself busy with another cup of apple blossom tea while she waited for Rosie to recover herself, but she wasn't very surprised when Rosie suddenly blurted out: "I don't understand him! I don't understand him at all!"
"Understand whom?"
"Sam!" Rosie propped her elbows on the table. "For more than two years he follows me like a shadow, comes to the farm day by day until my brothers start making jokes at him and my mum starts exchanging those knowing glances with my dad, but right when I think he will... I mean..." She paused, visibly at a loss for words. Finally she continued. "You know... I thought he loved me enough to at least think about taking me to Crickhollow as his wife! I could be the housekeeper for Mr. Frodo and he the gardener, and everything could be simply perfect. But he..." She swallowed. "He came to the farm two days before they left with Mr. Meriadoc and Mr. Fredegar, and he asked if I wanted to take a walk with him. And I... I was so sure he would ask!"
Lily sat down opposite Rosie, her gaze fixed on the familiar pretty face of her friend. Rosie's expression was a mixture of sadness and confusion.
"He walked with me down the road and to the bridge over the Water, and there he stopped, leaning over the railing and staring down on a pair of ducks as if he'd never seen a duck before. I simply stood there, waiting. Then he turned to me and he opened his mouth and closed it again, and then he fumbled in his pocket and pulled out my glove I saw him pick up last Yule. 'Here, you'd best have this back,' he said, and tucked it into my hand. I didn't know what to make of it, so I said didn't he want to keep it, and he said it would be one more thing to carry and I said it wasn't that far to Crickhollow, and a glove wasn't that heavy, and he could give it back when I came for a visit, and he said 'No, Rosie-lass, I fear you can't come.'"
Lily produced a handkerchief from the pocket of her apron; Rosie accepted it thankfully, dried her eyes and blew her nose.
"He blushed like a tween, gazing down at his toes. Then, suddenly, he looked at me, and his face was sad and determined and so... so full of love that I thought my heart would break. And he took me in his arms and kissed me." Rosie sighed, the damp handkerchief crumpled to a ball in her fist. "He has kissed me before, you know, but never like this. I thought I'd see the stars whirling around me, and the moon and the sun dancing a springle-ring, and I wanted to laugh and to cry at the same time. And then he let go, and he stepped back and said: 'I love you, Rosie.' He paused, and then he added: 'And if I don't come home, it is not because I don't want to see you again.'"
The same words Frodo had used. It felt like a blow to the stomach. Lily had to struggle for her composure, and it took a few moments before she was able to trust her own voice again.
"And then?"
"Then he walked away, and I stood on the bridge, nearly blind because my eyes were full of tears, and then, on top of everything, it started to rain, and by the time I reached home, I was wet as a drowned cat."
She took a deep breath and sat more upright.
"How can he say that he loves me and still leave?" she asked. "What kept him from asking me if I want to be his wife? For I want to!" she added in a miserable tone. "I want to."
Lily took her hand and managed an encouraging smile.
"Rosie... Sam worships the ground beneath your feet. I'm sure the day will come when I sit deep into the night, making your bride bodice, and he'll be the one you wed. I'm sure. "
And, astonishingly enough, she really was. She felt Sam's presence in Rosie's mind, strong and rich like sun-warmed soil and a garden full of ripe fruits. He was rooted in her heart as she was in his, and it seemed completely impossible that they wouldn't be reunited some day. For a painful moment Lily felt a pang of hot, shameful jealousy. She closed her eyes, angry at herself, and gave Rosie's hand a reassuring squeeze.
"One day he'll return to you. I promise."
*****
Two weeks after this conversation Fredegar Bolger came back to Hobbiton, and the news he brought was the sensation of the day. Frodo Baggins, his gardener and his cousins Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck had gone into the Old Forest, never to come out again. Hobbiton soon fell into two camps - those who thought that all of them had found a cruel death under the dangerous trees, and those who were convinced that Mr. Baggins had finally been overcome by the same, fateful wanderlust as his notorious uncle, and that he had seduced his companions into following him on some foolhardy adventure. If they were lucky they were like to all be living with the dwarves now, and if not, who could tell when it came to Brandybucks and Tooks.
It was a happier topic than the tale about tall, uncanny Men robed in Black who ambushed the house in Crickhollow and put poor Mr Fredegar to flight. Gaffer Gamgee mumbled something about an own encounter with one of those strange creatures, but the whole matter sounded too much like the kind of spook tales folk told each other on autumn nights, when the air outside of their smials was cold and unpleasant and the fire-lit rooms were warm and peaceful. So the rumors about those Men died away rather fast, and Lily kept her knowledge for herself. She tried to comfort Rosie without giving away what Frodo had told her, and in the silence of more than one sleepless night she remembered his words:
I will come home to the Shire if ever I can. And if I don't come home, it is not because I don't want to see you again.
*****
November came and with it Lotho Sackville-Baggins, and he came with several certified bills of sale and great plans. It turned out that he had bought Ted Sandyman's mill, and was landlord to the Ivy Bush, and that he was eager to buy even more... houses, farms and fields. People puzzled over his notions, and the taproom of the inn was buzzing like a beehive.
"Don't understand why he needs to buy so much land and everything," Gaffer Gamgee grumbled, his face hidden behind his half-empty tankard. "A decent hobbit has no need to throw around with shiny coins as if he were a housewife, scattering fodder for her hen in the backyard!"
"Now, now, Master Gamgee", said Old Noakes, patting his back. "'Tis nice to have a handful of silver in your pocket, and there's a lot of silver to float these days... many happy merchants on this autumn market, I'd say."
"Very true!" Hamfast Gamgee snapped and emptied his tankard with a single, long gulp. "But Frodo Baggins 'twas a real gentlehobbit, I say, and he never gloated about his prosperities like a braggart. That's all haughtiness and will lead to no good, mark my words."
But Lotho did more than to gloat about his new properties and to snatch as much land as possible; he also bought wagonloads of wheat, cabbage, potatoes and pipe weed. But naught of it stayed in the Shire. And endless row of carts rattled down the roads to the South, and when they came back empty, they were accompanied by Men, more and more big Men with loud unfriendly voices and bad manners, and people around Hobbiton slowly lost their good humor.
The ale in the Ivy Bush changed to a poor, thin, sour brew, barely drinkable and much too expensive, and even the eldest regulars began to stay away. Lotho's Men started to cut down trees, they dug up familiar meadows and fruitful orchards, and they built ugly stone houses and raw wooden sheds. And they started to steal...stories went around about gangs of them, storming smials in Hobbiton and Bywater, bullying the scared families and hauling away their entire winter supplies.
At first Lotho was all regret. He paid for the lost goods and the cut down trees and wore a benign smile on his face whenever people came up the Hill to complain. Then, shortly before Yule, the inhabitants of Bag Shot Row got mail from the new master of Bag End. They were told with meager words to pack their belongings and to leave their homes behind. Most people were too afraid to object; it was not easy to be courageous with a dozen tall Men with grinning faces standing in the garden, nearly twice as big as most of them. But old Widow Rumple was not so easily frightened; she took her cane, limped down the long way to the Cotton farm and asked Rosie to write a letter to the mayor for her (she had never learned to read and to write properly). Rosie called her father, and the widow dictated an angry summary of the events, the last paragraph a resolute demand to interfere. Rosie's father guided the old woman into the kitchen where she was refreshed with tea and cake after such an exhausting and unfamiliar task. Then he decided to deliver this important mail face-to-face, saddled his pony and rode to Michel Delving.
The mayor had been watching the trouble for quite a long time without barging in, but now he woke up. He promised Tolman Cotton to give Mr. Lotho a proper piece of his mind and set out a few hours later. But he never reached Bag End - Folco Goodbody saw four ruffians who dragged the miserable Will Whitfoot past the Ivy Bush, accompanied by the howling laughter of their cronies from the windows of the inn. Lily was very glad to hear that Sam's Gaffer and Marigold had found a more or less safe refuge on the Cotton farm for now.
Yule came and passed, a silent matter with only a few parties. Lily went to the feast at the Boffins and came back rather early; her father wanted to ask if she enjoyed the evening, but she only gave him a pale, barely convincing smile, refused to answer and vanished into her room. Three days later Odogar Boffin showed up at the Proudfoot doorstep and asked Lily for another visit.
"It's my daughter, Pansy." he said while they walked down the road. "She came home the day before yesterday, with a tear-stained face and without her cloak. She went straight to her room and closed the door, and she hasn't come out since then."
Lily frowned. "What do you mean?" she asked. "Didn't she eat anything?"
"Her mother argued her into having some bread and milk, but she won't speak with us. She lies in her bed, stares at the ceiling and doesn't come out of her room, and we don't know what to do. My Rose is getting rather desperate."
When they reached Odogar's home and went in, Rose Boffin sat in the kitchen, a tray with fruits and seed cakes beside her on the table. When her husband appeared with the young midwife in tow, she started to sob and wiped her eyes with the hem of her apron.
"No breakfast again, Odo!" she lamented without taking further notice of the visitor. "And she won't say a word - she stares right though me as if I weren't there!"
"Lily is here." Odo replied gently. "Perhaps she will be successful where we aren't."
Lily knew the way; on Yule eve she had taken the wrong door when she was looking for her scarf and found Pansy and young Tom Brownwood on Pansy's bed. Pansy's bodice was miraculously gone and her fine festive blouse half unbuttoned, and judging after the heavy breathing of both, the state of Tom's clothing and his tousled, copper-red mop Lily had obviously interrupted a very private Yule feast.
Fortunately the door wasn't locked today either, Lily went in; the curtains were closed and the room dim and in dire need of some fresh air. It was an entirely different lass Lily found lying on the bed now; no laughing eyes nor flushed skin, and nothing left of the nimble-witted girl that stood up against Lobelia when she had been accused of having stolen her silver. Pansy's curls were tangled and damp with sweat, the pretty face with the gray-green eyes was pale. When she saw Lily, she turned to the wall.
Lily touched her wrist and felt for the pulse; it was fast and flat. The hand was hot.
"You've got a fever, Pansy." she said, her voice as warm and soft as she could make it. "You should drink something to bring it down. I can give you some willow bark tea with honey, if you like. And you should eat; your mum worries very much about you."
"I'm not hungry." The voice was only a whisper. "Leave me be... please."
"Your father asked me for help, dearie." Lily replied. "What happened? Did Tom misbehave? I was pretty sure you were rather... happy together when I saw you the last time."
But mentioning Tom was a severe mistake, seemingly; Pansy buried her face in the already damp pillow and burst into a stream of tears. Lily sat down on the edge of the bed.
"So it was Tom's fault?" she asked gently, but Pansy fervently shook her head.
"No... no..." she choked between sobs. "He has nothing to do with it. I haven't seen him since... since the feast." More sobs and even more tears.
Lily laid both hands on Pansy's shoulders and tried to turn her around. The young girl flinched back and curled as far out of reach as she managed. But Lily caught a glimpse of something behind the neckline of Pansy's crumpled nightgown... something red and swollen, half hidden behind the fabric.
"Stop, lass. Let me have a look at this."
Pansy sat still like a frightened rabbit, eyes wide open and full of icy horror. Lily opened the two buttons of the night cloak and pushed it aside. There it was: a mark of a deep, angry purple, close above the left nipple and so swollen it was nearly round. The skin around the mark was intensely discolored, in ugly shades of black and blue. Lily narrowed her eyes; she had never seen anything like this before.
"Stars, Pansy... what is that?"
No answer. The young girl turned her gaze away, silent tears rolling down her cheeks. Lily pulled a clean piece of gauze out of her bag, took the flask with brandy she always carried with her and dripped some of the content on the cloth.
"It is inflamed", she said, struggling to speak as neutrally as possible. "It has to be cleaned and bandaged, and I think it is this which is causing the fever. Won't you tell me what happened?"
Pansy slowly shook her head and winced when the gauze with the alcohol on it touched the swollen spot. Lily cleaned the injury, dabbed some arnica ointment on the sore flesh and bandaged it carefully. Then she rose with a sigh.
"Try to sleep, Pansy... and drink as much as you can. You should allow your mother to bring you something to eat. And if there is anything you want me to know, call for me any time, will you? Any time, Pansy."
Lily left the room and closed the door behind her. She found Pansy's parents in the kitchen, waiting anxiously for her verdict.
"She won't speak to me either." she said with concern. "Leave her in peace until she's ready to tell you what's haunting her, and call me if she wants to see me."
She saw how Rose Boffin squeezed her apron between both hands and added: "I don't think she will leave her room or the smial if she can avoid it, but you should keep her from going out anyway. I have no idea what exactly has happened, but I think she has been attacked. And no..." She raised her hand when Odogar Boffin opened his mouth, "I don't know who it was."
She went home, prepared a fast meal for her father and her brothers and brought her mother a cup of chamomile tea as Violet was suffering from another bout of her heavy headache. Then she made the daily walk in the garden with Fredegar and started on her usual round; but she caught herself looking around her from time to time and stopping at each suspicious sound. Pansy's pale, desperate face stayed in her mind and followed her the whole day.
*****
In the middle of January Violet got an invitation from Buckland; mail didn't arrive as regularly as it had before Lotho's men came, but a long letter from Aunt Esmeralda finally came through, and Lily's mother trembled with excitement.
"Aunt Esmie suggests that we go to Newbury."she said. "There's room enough on the farm, and Marco can help in the stables at Brandy Hall if he wants to. We should leave as fast as we can; Master Brandybuck has a strong hand, and I'm sure he's able to protect his people much better than we are able to protect ourselves here."
Lily had to admit that her mother was probably right; there were only a few pregnant women in Hobbiton right now, and she remembered with piercing clarity what Frodo had said to her. It troubles me to leave you here.
Perhaps the Thain and the Master were able to bar Lotho from doing more mischief, and Fredegar was already making plans to use Uncle Mynto's assistance to visit the Great Smials or Brandy Hall in order to give at least one of them a detailed report of the situation in Hobbiton... a situation that haunted him even more than most as he was so much at the mercy of his own, weak body.
Arrangements for the mothers-to-be were made with Aster Bracegirdle, and chests and bags were packed without causing a stir; Lily knew that her family wasn't the only one trying to flee as inconspicuously as possible, and the thought made her very sad. Hobbiton had changed since Frodo left with Sam, and it wasn't a turn for the better. It would be good to get away; with a short pang of pain she wished Frodo did indeed live in Crickhollow and that she could go there and take up the threads of their secret love as if the past nine months had never happened.
Two days before Uncle Mynto was to pick up his Proudfoot relatives, Fredegar developed a high fever. He had been coughing for weeks, but making light of it, so as not to interfere with their departure. But that evening Lily found her father in the rocking chair, eyes closed, murmuring nearly inaudible words, with a burning hot brow and trembling hands. With Violet's help she brought him to bed, and he spent a restless night, tossing between the covers.
It was too late to send word to Buckland, and they had to make a quick decision. So in the end it was Violet, Marco and Falco who climbed up the cart when Mynto Burrows arrived. Lily embraced Marco and received a fierce hug from Falco; she kissed his plump cheek and felt his small arms closing around her neck, and for a few seconds she had to swallow to keep herself from crying. Then she felt Violet's kiss on her brow and for a short, sweet moment the embrace of her mother before she stepped back.
"Take care of your father, child." Violet said. "And take care of yourself, as well. I know you'll feel that you have to make your rounds, but please don't put yourself in danger. Stay inside in the evenings. "
"I'll do my very best, Mama." she answered and leaned in to return her mother's kiss. Mama smells like her name, she suddenly thought, like a bouquet of violet blooms. And then she watched her settling down on the seat beside Uncle Mynto, and she waved and saw the waving hands of her family while the cart rolled down the path and around the corner.
Lily stood on the same spot after the cart was long gone, and she felt terribly vulnerable and alone. When she finally went back into the smial, rain started to fall, and Hobbiton vanished behind a gray veil.
She had no idea that it would take her more than two years before she would see her mother and brothers again.
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