West of the Moon

A Tolkien Fanfiction Archive

 

 

Not A Happy Camper
Humourous complaints about Fellowship.
Category: Humor
Date: 2003-05-08

 

Evil things all pick on me 
I'm singled from the bunch 
They don't care how cute I am 
All they want is lunch! 
Half my fellows' time is spent 
In 'Save the hobbit' action 
If one more critter grabs my leg 
I'll spend six months in traction 
  
The times I try to 'disappear' 
Old Sauron comes to call 
Complete with spooky sound effects 
And he always makes me fall 
The Ring keeps nagging all dam' day 
"C'mon, just give a try" 
Like, duh!--then wouldn't I get found? 
My brain's not quite that fried 
  
And my oldest buddy Gandalf 
Tells me zilch and zip 
I hate to break it to him: I know 
This ain't no pleasure trip! 
He says he wants to shield me 
From the darkness and despair 
Meanwhile I'd feel much better 
With a change of underwear 
  
                 chorus: 
I've got aches and pains and midge-bites 
And a thorn in my big toe 
My hair's become a bug motel 
And I freeze when I'm in snow 
The Ring gives me a headache 
On my love life it's a damper 
Have mercy on me, please-- 
I am not a happy camper! 
  
If I could get a full night's sleep 
Then things might be all right 
But Sam, he kicks me in the rump 
And snores all bloody night 
If he's so worried for me then 
He needs to take a walk 
This protective instinct's killing me 
And makes the guys all talk! 
  
Merry's got a tapeworm-- 
Well! He's eating all the time! 
I saw him gnawing hopefully 
At a rutabaga rind 
He ran out of his pipe-weed 
And it's made him really hot 
No wonder Pippin's hungry 
While Merry scarfs the lot 
  
And if that weren't quite dismaying 
Young Pip's discovered pints 
He was dancing on the table 
At the Pony late last night 
If the Riders hadn't found us 
And we'd not been forced to dash 
Pippin might've found his calling 
And a lot of ready cash 
  
I've got aches and pains and midge-bites 
And a thorn in my big toe 
My hair's become a bug motel 
And I freeze when I'm in snow 
The Ring gives me a headache 
On my love life it's a damper 
Have mercy on me, please-- 
I am not a happy camper! 
  
My relationship with Strider 
Started rather rough 
He threw me up a staircase 
And acted kind of tough 
I was a little worried 
'Till his girlfriend set me straight 
"That's just his self-doubt speaking 
He's real shy on a date!" 
  
Now Boromir keeps watching me 
I don't know what to think 
Sam has his own opinions, tho' 
That sound a little kink 
If I was the suspicious type 
I'd worry and not rest 
At the way that man keeps staring 
At the jewelry on my chest! 
  
And Legolas and Gimli 
With whom I've tried to make amends 
They hate each other one week 
Then are the best of friends 
They shoot me dark looks from their brows 
And mutter 'Silly hobbit!" 
I think if they got to the Ring 
In a pit somewhere they'd lob'bit! 
  
So now we're off to Mordor 
Just ol' Sam and me 
With nothing but some crackers 
(But made by elves, you see!) 
So it's weeks ahead of rocks and hills 
Windburn, flies and dust 
How'd I get into this scrape 
Well, there's one name that I've cussed-- 
  
If this Ring hadn't come to me 
Oh dear, what would I do? 
Thanks a lot, dear Bilbo 
I really love you, too! 
I've got... 
aches and pains and midge-bites 
And a thorn in my big toe 
My hair's become a bug motel 
And I freeze when I'm in snow 
The Ring gives me a headache 
On my love life it's a damper 
Have mercy on me, please-- 
I am not a happy camper! 

 

 

Go Back