West of the Moon
A Tolkien Fanfiction Archive
Not A Happy Camper
Humourous complaints about Fellowship.
Evil things all pick on me I'm singled from the bunch They don't care how cute I am All they want is lunch! Half my fellows' time is spent In 'Save the hobbit' action If one more critter grabs my leg I'll spend six months in traction The times I try to 'disappear' Old Sauron comes to call Complete with spooky sound effects And he always makes me fall The Ring keeps nagging all dam' day "C'mon, just give a try" Like, duh!--then wouldn't I get found? My brain's not quite that fried And my oldest buddy Gandalf Tells me zilch and zip I hate to break it to him: I know This ain't no pleasure trip! He says he wants to shield me From the darkness and despair Meanwhile I'd feel much better With a change of underwear chorus: I've got aches and pains and midge-bites And a thorn in my big toe My hair's become a bug motel And I freeze when I'm in snow The Ring gives me a headache On my love life it's a damper Have mercy on me, please-- I am not a happy camper! If I could get a full night's sleep Then things might be all right But Sam, he kicks me in the rump And snores all bloody night If he's so worried for me then He needs to take a walk This protective instinct's killing me And makes the guys all talk! Merry's got a tapeworm-- Well! He's eating all the time! I saw him gnawing hopefully At a rutabaga rind He ran out of his pipe-weed And it's made him really hot No wonder Pippin's hungry While Merry scarfs the lot And if that weren't quite dismaying Young Pip's discovered pints He was dancing on the table At the Pony late last night If the Riders hadn't found us And we'd not been forced to dash Pippin might've found his calling And a lot of ready cash I've got aches and pains and midge-bites And a thorn in my big toe My hair's become a bug motel And I freeze when I'm in snow The Ring gives me a headache On my love life it's a damper Have mercy on me, please-- I am not a happy camper! My relationship with Strider Started rather rough He threw me up a staircase And acted kind of tough I was a little worried 'Till his girlfriend set me straight "That's just his self-doubt speaking He's real shy on a date!" Now Boromir keeps watching me I don't know what to think Sam has his own opinions, tho' That sound a little kink If I was the suspicious type I'd worry and not rest At the way that man keeps staring At the jewelry on my chest! And Legolas and Gimli With whom I've tried to make amends They hate each other one week Then are the best of friends They shoot me dark looks from their brows And mutter 'Silly hobbit!" I think if they got to the Ring In a pit somewhere they'd lob'bit! So now we're off to Mordor Just ol' Sam and me With nothing but some crackers (But made by elves, you see!) So it's weeks ahead of rocks and hills Windburn, flies and dust How'd I get into this scrape Well, there's one name that I've cussed-- If this Ring hadn't come to me Oh dear, what would I do? Thanks a lot, dear Bilbo I really love you, too!
I've got... aches and pains and midge-bites And a thorn in my big toe My hair's become a bug motel And I freeze when I'm in snow The Ring gives me a headache On my love life it's a damper Have mercy on me, please-- I am not a happy camper!