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Acceptance and Concession Speeches
Most Ingenious Sacrifice of Clothing Winner: Wines, Vines, and Veils by Fennelseed
I am very honored to receive this award, and must thank you all for following me through so many violations of canon in this story. Letting the Brandybucks become winemakers, giving the hobbits weird pagan fertility festivals, dressing them in nothing but flimsy scarves and grape leaves, putting eyeliner on Sam, using grapeseed oil in a way that Tolkien (hopefully) never dreamed of--why, I'm positively astonished so many of you forgave me for such changes. Or, at least, I would be astonished, if this weren't a community where they think up awards like "Best Striptease". I also wish to say that I'm fairly shocked, given how fabulous all the other writers are in this category, and you should be sure to go read their stories too. Hey, even Tolkien stripped Frodo naked a time or two; so why shouldn't we?
Most Ingenious Sacrifice of Clothing Runner-up: Foolish Games by Bill the Pony
Accepted by Meriadoc
Brandybuck
Best Peep Show Winner: Too Many Tooks, Part 3 by Mariole The curtains part, to reveal Frodo standing behind a solid-wood lectern. He has a slightly stunned expression on his face. Pippin scampers to the front of the stage, all cheek and smirk. He waves gaily. “Hello, hello! Thank you very much for recognizing my dear cousin Frodo for his stupendous achievement. Frodo wishes to thank you, also—do you not, dear cousin?” Frodo answers, slightly breathlessly, “Yes.” Pippin grins. “Well, you can see that he’s quite shy, but I’m sure he feels the honor even more deeply than I do. Don’t you, Cousin Frodo?” Frodo answers dazedly, “Yes. Oh, yes.” Pippin shoots him a narrow look. “The fact is, you actually owe this honor to me, if you’ll recall. Had I not insisted upon your visiting Tookland, none of this would have happened.” Frodo flexes his fingers on the edge of the lectern. “Yes.” *gasp* “Oh, oh yes.” Pippin frowns at his cousin. “I say, Frodo, are you quite well?” Frodo closes his eyes. His lips mouth, Yes. “Well, if you are, will you please try to respond with some word other than `yes?’” Frodo clutches the lectern harder. He makes a strangled noise that sounds suspiciously like, urgle. Pippin taps his foot. “Well, I suppose `urgle’ is a variation from `yes,’ but it isn’t really a proper word, now—is it, Frodo?” Frodo slumps over the lectern, breathing hard. He tenses, rolls back his head—then his face grows slack and his jaw loosens. He holds this pose for several seconds, panting lightly, before drooping against the lectern. His head falls forward with a mild thunk. Pippin frowns. “Frodo?” Frodo breathes heavily. “Frodo!” A ragged voice whispers, “Yes?” “I think I’ve covered everything we wanted to say upon the subject, don’t you?” Frodo mutters into his arms, “Oh, yes.” “Then, come along.” Pippin shares an aggrieved look with the audience. “Really, I don’t know what gets into him at times. Thank you for listening, anyway.” Pippin makes a wry face at Frodo. “Say goodbye, Frodo.” Frodo mumbles against the lectern, “Yes.” Pippin rolls his eyes. The curtains close.
Best Peep Show Runner-up: A Strange Ghost Indeed by Fennelseed
(Sam and Frodo are
accepting this award via satellite transmission. Let's
turn to the monitor.)
Mariella: Grrrrr!
Best Tongue-Twister Winner: Truth Serum by Fennelseed
Ah, I like to think you guys are playing with words here. For there is, as we all know, more than one way to use tongues and lips in an erotic manner; and I've always found speech to be one of the most effective. So, though I still blush to read this story over again, I'm deeply grateful you appreciated the "dirty talk" enough to vote for it. Or perhaps you were just thinking of the actual oral sex. Hey, whichever; I'm not picky. Once again I stand in the company of incredible talents in my fellow nominees--as is the case with all the nominations--and I offer this trophy out to them to share in the triumph, for they all deserve it.
Best Tongue-Twister Runner-up: An Unexpected Party by Bill the Pony
Accepted by Sam Gamgee
Best Hobbitpile Winner: It Was a Dark and Stormy Night... by Daffodil Bolger
See, now – where else can a person get an award for tangling up various sweaty limbs and making them contort to her whim? Again, I must thank Lobelia Sackville-Baggins for bringing the concept of a hobbitpile to my attention in the first place and for encouraging me in my smutty enterprise. I thank the readers for continuing to read, I thank the voters for voting and I thank WOTM for enabling my addiction to smut and for giving us all such a hoot with these awards. And, as with every fic I write, I thank Shadow for her dead-eye beta and her ever-present support.
Best Slip 'n Slide Winner: Before Breakfast by Elanor Gardner
Samwise Gamgee here
for Miz Elanorelle and Mister Frodo, and, uh, well, I
would really be deeply grateful and all if you folks
would keep this whole lovely award thing a bit quiet,
because, you see, Mister Frodo got quite, uh, fond of
using that elvish healing oil of Mister Bilbo's for
things aside from healing, if you get my meaning. And
it got to where it was downright embarrassing. I mean
Mister Bilbo brought it out to the garden once to put
some on my Gaffer's fingers, which was paining him
something fierce, and me standing there next to them
holding the trellis with both hands whilst Mister
Bilbo rubbed it on the Gaffer's hands, and me not able
to move or, well, adjust my breeches or
nothing! And that smell-- Well, never you mind that
I got a cramp in my leg and had to lay the trellis
down and limp off to the privy and, well, take care of
things. And then there was that time that I was
bringing some firewood into the kitchen and saw Mister
Bilbo holding Frodo's arm where Frodo'd scalded
himself good and proper, and Mister Bilbo slathering
that oil on. Well, the whole kitchen smelled of it,
and me standing there, and Frodo looked up at me, and
I nearly, well, there I was holding on to all that
wood, and there he was all flushed and sweaty, and
there was that smell in the kitchen, and the table,
and-- Well, I finally just had to tell Mister Frodo
the oil was starting to make me itch in some places
where's it's just plain hard to scratch in decent
company. So now it's juniper-smelling oil and no
mistake! I'd be real thankful if you didn't mention
this to Mister Frodo or we'll be back to that exotic
stuff again and I'll be in an awful fix. Oh, yes, and
Elanorelle sends her humble thanks for this wonderful
honor!
Best Chick!Frodo Winner: Hare and Hounds by Bill the Pony
Accepted by Rosie
Cotton
Most Frustrating Fade to Black Winner: The Baker's Wife by Polecat Most Intriguing Foot Fetish—mmm…feet... Winner: The Baker's Wife by Polecat
Honourable Marlin Perkins Award Winner: The Baker's Wife by Polecat
[Fatty sidles up to the microphone. He seems a little nervous.] Frodo and Sam are not able to come tonight, being otherwise engaged at the moment, but I can tell you that they are as Fascinated with Feet and Frustrating as ever. Even singing obviously-worded songs very loudly outside Frodo's bedroom did not give them the hint. [He glances off stage.] Where was I - um, yes. We'd all like to thank the organisers of the Golden Mushrooms for their huge effort in staging these awards and the indulgent Readers who voted for us. Also, without the influence of Mira, none of us would be abused - er, used in this way, and Polecat would not even be on the starting blocks for a race such as this. There is one thing I would like to clarify, however. Decorating us with the Runner-up for the Honourable Marlin Perkins Award - for which, I hasten to add, we are most grateful - seems to imply that readers believe there might be more to the purely platonic relationship enjoyed by Beryl and myself - [There is a kerfuffle offstage - cries, grunts and things being knocked over.] - and I would like to protest in the strongest terms this extreme distortion of the tru- Aaaaaaaahh! [Exit pursued by a pig.]
Most Creative Use of Vegetables Runner-up: Whortleberries by Semyaza
Frodo: Go on, Sam. You were the one who started all of this, with your whortleberry syrup, and the purple stains on your.... Sam (blushing): It wasn't me at all. It was-- Frodo: Never mind who it was. Apparently I wasn't the only one to find the idea of a berry-stained hobbit rather enticing. In fact, I think it's fair to say that you were achingly sexy tending that pot of syrup, and if you don't step forward and thank the voters and our gracious hosts immediately, I'm not going to be able to restrain myself. I'm a creature of impulse where you're concerned. The sooner we finish here the sooner we can--you know. Sam: Oh. Oh! [steps forward] Well, first off, whortleberries aren't a vegetable. I don't know what my Gaffer would think if he knew we'd come runner-up in a Most Creative Use of a Vegetable award. He'd have a few words to say on the subject of parsnips and carrots and the like, if I know my old Dad. Those are proper vegetables, roots you can really get your hand around. We Gamgees are known for our skill with roots and-- Frodo: Sam! Sam (blushing again): Sorry, Mr. Frodo. I get carried away at the thought of a fine parsnip--well-buttered, or maybe glazed with honey and orange peel and served next to a fine Shire ham. Tender and juicy.... Frodo (whispering): Get. On. With. It. They didn't mean vegetable literally. Sam (bridling): I can't help it, sir. It wouldn't be proper for a fruit to win such an award, even so fine a fruit as the whortleberry. That's all I'm saying. So, thank you kindly, and we'll put our award where it'll come in handy, next to that bit of rope I've been saving for a special occasion, if you take my meaning. Frodo (smiling triumphantly): This is a special occasion, Sam, in case you hadn't noticed. I think it's time we left for our post-awards party for two. A heartfelt thank you to everyone who voted for us, our compliments to the winner, and even though we don't know half of you half as well as we should like.... Sam: Oh, snakes and adders, not that again. Good night everyone. [Grabs Frodo by the hand and drags him away].
Best Wet 'n
Wild Winner: Rites of Passage, Bag End, Chapter 10 by Willow-wode
The "I'm in the Mood for Love" Award Runner-up: Rites of Passage, Bag End, Chapter 10 by Willow-wode
(FRODO comes onstage, very well-dressed but looking a bit sleepy and, truth be told, a little stoned.) FRODO: You know, from the awards I've stood up for, you'd think I spend all my time shagging, drinking and smoking. (brightens) Well, why not? I ask you! (leans on podium and looks appropriately serious) I'm here for Willow-wode, who's a little tied up at present… MERIMAC: (comes running onstage, panting) She's taken care of. Merry's getting her tea, and Pippin's applying the last of the duct tape to keep her in her chair… am I late? FRODO: (sighs and rolls his eyes, points to audience) MERIMAC: (self-conciously straightens his frock coat) Oh. Right. FRODO: (continues) Seeing as how Willow is (coughs) tied up at present and unable to accept these awards, she asked us to do it for her. MERIMAC: Which is only right, seeing as how we were the one's getting all wet—and I seem to remember you got splinters in your ars— FRODO: (too brightly) RIGHT, then. We would like to thank all of you for appreciating our efforts against that mill wall not just once, but twice. (grins) We certainly appreciated it. MERIMAC: I seem to remember it was a lot more than two times… we wanted to get it just right, you know. FRODO: I meant two awards. MERIMAC: Oh. Right. Shutting up now. (whistles innocently) FRODO: (clears his throat) And Willow told me in particular to thank all of you, the readers, and to give particular congratulations to Bill the Pony for coming up with an even more original shagging place. More fun for all!
The "I'm in the Mood for Love" Award Winner: Magic and Mischief by Bill the Pony
Accepted by Gaffer
Gamgee
The
Tie-Me-Up Tie-Me-Down Award Winner: Be Careful What You Wish For... by Daffodil Bolger
Okay, well, what does one say to this particular award, except *snicker snort giggle*? I couldn’t believe myself when I was writing it, I couldn’t believe I worked up the brass to post it and I couldn’t believe it had been nominated. (I used to be a good Catholic girl, you know. No, really. Stop laughing.) I thank the readers for continuing to read, I thank the voters for voting and I thank WOTM for enabling my addiction to smut and for giving us all such a hoot with these awards. And, as with every fic I write, I thank Shadow for her dead-eye beta and her ever-present support. *ponders who to tie up next*
The Honorary Frodo Award: Damn, he really IS a screamer, isn't he? Runner-up: Interlude by Daffodil Bolger
I am pleased and
honored to, not only have had my fic chosen to be a
runner-up in this category, but for it to be runner-up
to ‘Divarications’ by Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, who,
along with Willow-wode, created Loud!Frodo and so is
partly I thank the readers for continuing to read, I thank the voters for voting and I thank WOTM for enabling my addiction to smut and for giving us all such a hoot with these awards. And, as with every fic I write, I thank Shadow for her dead-eye beta and her ever-present support.
The Honorary Sam Award: Coming, Sir! Winner: Supply and Demand by Fennelseed
Holy canon-violating rentboys, Batman! All right, I know (I know, I know, okay?) several people were squicked, damaged, disturbed, or otherwise put off by this story, so I'm not sure how this even got nominated; and I sure as hell don't know how it won. But I guess it proves the old maxim: you write 12 or 13 orgasms in one fic, you're bound to hit upon a really great one somewhere in there. What?...That isn't an old maxim?... Well, anyway--in all honesty, I liked writing this fic waaaay too much, so I am immensely relieved that a good handful of you enjoyed reading it, too. And remember, these awards can only capture a small fraction of the fabulous orgasms being written out there; so the bottom line is: if it was good for YOU, then it was good, that's all that matters. (Somewhere behind me I just heard Frodo say in a sultry voice, "So, tell me, Sam...was it good for you?")
The Honorary Sam Award: Coming, Sir! Runner-up: Too Many Tooks by Mariole
Frodo writhes, mouth open, head back, the sound of his straining breaths bouncing back from the ceiling to fill the cavern. “More oil!” Pearl cries. “Vinca, pour it on! Nel, both hands! Use both hands!” Frodo arches, tightens, his toes begin to curl… “That’s it, girls. Keep it coming. Altogether, now!” Frodo’s bellow echoes throughout the chamber, intermixed with the appreciative squees of his facilitators. Slowly, their victim relaxes. His limbs tremble; his belly rises and falls with his rapid breathing. “Well!” Pearl pushes back her damp hair. “How’d we do that time?” *checks the final score, frowns* “All right, we obviously need a little more practice. Five minute rest break, everyone, and then we do it again.” Frodo stifles a groan. “Don’t fret, darling.” Pearl gives him a pat. “Look on the bright side: you’ll be very clean!” Frodo whimpers.
The Identity Crisis Award for OCs Winner: Rites of Passage by Willow-wode
FRODO: (walks onstage to podium and addresses audience gravely) I'm here to thank you all and accept this award for my cousin, Merimac Brandybuck who is, at present, questioning his creator. I realise that some hobbits have crises of personality at some points in their life, but ever since he was nominated for this particular award, he's been a bit thoughtful. And while my cousin is a certainly very unique hobbit, when he gets too thoughtful it makes his stomach hurt. So, while he— (Merimac arrives onstage, whistling cheerfully. FRODO is, understandably, confused.) FRODO: I thought you said that you couldn't— MERIMAC: (airily) Oh, it's done. Had a nice talk with Herself, she reassured me that she had indeed not created me just to shag you, that it was all your idea, actually, and that she finally just had to go along with it. FRODO: Well, that is true enough. At least she knows when to listen, I'll give her that. MERIMAC: Honestly? Sometimes I worry about her, because then she started laughing at the idea that I would have an identity crisis in the first place, and for all I know the wench is still laughing. (shakes head, then turns to and grins at audience) Anyway, before she started laughing, she told me that this award signifies that I mean something to all of you people out there, too. (preens) That is WAY COOL. FRODO: (shaking his head) It must be this perverse itch in all of us, this need to do the anachronism thing. (smiling a bit wickedly) For instance. I have this real wish to see you, in leather, on a motorcycle… MERIMAC: Later, darling. (waves at audience) Thanks awfully! I love you, man!
FRODO: (notes audience reaction a bit worriedly) Um,
I'm thinking that they'd like to see you in leather on
a motorcycle, too.
The Identity Crisis Award for OCs Runner-up: Making of Samwise by Bill the Pony
Accepted by Jolly
Cotton
Most Unusual Pairing Winner: Cold Be Hand by Nickey
The curtains twitch and after a moment Merry appears and makes his way to the podium. He appears to be rather nervous and keeps looking over his shoulder. He takes out a small piece of paper and begins to scrutinise it carefully, silently mouthing phrases to himself, while helplessly eyeing the audience. After a few seconds of this his eyes widen and he looks away, then looks back again in fascinated horror, then finally seems to come to some sort of decision. He screws up the paper and tosses it with rather more vehemence than might seem appropriate for an innocent paper ball. “Look, I’ve got to hurry, she’ll be back to hear that speech she wrote for me soon, so I haven’t got much time. First of all, Nickey’s thrilled to have won the Most Unusual Pairing category, here at the Golden Mushroom Awards. In fact she squeeed so hard, she nearly broke all the glassware in the house…” Merry winces at the memory, “And she’s very grateful to all you lovely people who voted for ‘Cold Be Hand’, and… Well, that’s my point.” He looks over his shoulder again, and then leans closer to the microphone. “For goodness sake, people, could you please think through the consequences of your actions next time! The reason she’s late was that she got so excited she immediately started coming up with new and even more unusual ideas, and do I really have to spell out what that means..?” Merry closes his eyes for just a second and then shudders delicately. “And who do you think will be on the receiving end? I don’t care that I’m versatile and photogenic and competent enough to get myself out of anything she gets me into, that’s really beside the point! Can’t you think about my feelings occasionally? Do you actually think I enjoy this sort of thing? Well? Hands up if you really think I’m interested in tumbling with anyone or anything she can get me in the right position for! So to speak.” He glares at the audience. There are a number of coughs, and some titters, and then Merry sighs, like he’s been defeated. “All right. You can put your hands down now. I can see we’re going to have words about this.” Off-stage, there’s the sound of a door slamming and footsteps coming towards the podium. Merry suddenly looks terrified. “But maybe not right now. Umm. Well, thank you very much everyone, and I’ll see you all later. Apparently.” He shuffles off muttering, “Well, I suppose it could be worse. Maybe I can persuade her to write more scenes with Pippin instead. At least he’s the same species. Or Freddy. She’s fond of Freddy, right?” There’s a squeeing noise off-stage, of ear-drum splitting proportions, and Merry swallows hard, gives one last sickly smile to the audience, and breaks into a run…
Most Unusual Pairing Runner-up: Wild Apples by Peachy
As Peachy is bouncing up and down at the moment, I think I should step in as a Took of sense and quality and say thank you, hugs, and snogs to those who voted for this story. Personally I don't know what got into her, making me have it off with a tree. Smutty wench. I've done far worse, I can tell you. So has Merry, and then there's Sam, you know how he's always had a thing for the garden? It was like this.. oh, *hello* there Sam! You can put those shears down. Any time. Any time at all...
The Pucker Up
Award—Hey there, handsome, wanna suck face? Winner: Cloves and Kisses by Bill the Pony
Accepted by Marigold
Gamgee
The Pucker Up
Award—Hey there, handsome, wanna suck face? Runner-up: Falling into the Sky, Chapter 4 by Elanor Gardner
Samwise Gamgee here for Miz Elanorelle and Mister Frodo and, I have to tell all you nice gentlefolk that I am a trifle embarrassed at all this attention to sommat like that, well, what this award is for and all. I mean what would you have done, given that face gazing at you there in that pale gold light just afore dawn, and those eyes looking like the sky itself all midnight and full of stars, and that hand all warm and velvet-feeling against your face, like the petals on Mister Bilbo's favorite ivory roses-- I mean, I just can't see how anyone could just stand there, if you get my meaning. It was just the most natural thing in the world to turn my head just a trifle, and kiss that velvet-- Uh, Mister Frodo, he says to tell you all that-- Just a minute, he wrote this down and made me practice it. Here it is. Ahem I am deeply gratified that this moment, which is quite understandably locked in my memory forever, has resonated somehow with all of you. But I must say that, knowing dear Sam, you have likely received a slightly skewed version of events. As I recall, the hill was redolent with the gorgeous smell of flowers planted by Sam's own dear hands, and there was gold light dancing in the air, but nothing could possibly compare to the glow of Sam's face or the gold in his eyes as he stood there before me. It is a treasure that I will always hold in my heart. Ahem. Well, I suppose that about says it all. 'Cept Miz Elanorelle, she says thank you very, very much!
The Honorary Pippin Award: Are we there YET?! Winner: Making of Samwise by Bill the Pony
Accepted by the Author
The Honorary Pippin Award: Are we there YET?! Runner-up: Wines, Vines, and Veils by Fennelseed
Aw, shucks. This foreplay was nothin' compared to the long, tantalizing build-up of the fics written by my fellow nominees, but it has been very instructive and interesting to learn how much you folks appreciate hobbits tied up in veils. A simple formula, really, but one that never goes out of style. Thank you again!
The Honorary Merry Award: We’re coming too!! Winner: Too Many Tooks by Mariole
“Vinca…” “Frodo…” “Vinca.” “Frodo.” “Vinca!” “Frodo!” “Vinca… ah… AHHH!!!” “Oh, Frodo, oooohhh….” *sound of heavy breathing* “Frodo..?” *gasp* “Yes, love?” *breathlessly* “We’re not alone.” A shaggy head lifts, looks about. “Merry!” Merry grins from the opposite side of the bed. “Hello!” Frodo scrambles to cover his and Vinca’s… parts. “What are you doing here?” Merry points at the title. “It’s the `Honorable Merry’ award. The Merry award, see?” He smirks. “I must say, it’s been quite a treat having something like this named after me. You can’t believe all the hours I’ve put in, watching, assessing, comparing different approaches, clocking climaxes—” “Well, you can assess yourself right out of this room, or climaxes won’t be the only thing getting clocked around here.” “All right, all right!” Merry, still smirking, slides off the bed. He leans forward to whisper confidentially in Frodo’s ear, “I think Vinca went about 2 seconds before you did that time, in case you want to work on your technique.” Frodo points at the door. “Out!” Merry backs away, grinning. “I’m going, I’m going!” He heads for the door. “And going, and going, and going…”
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