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Acceptance and Concession Speeches
Best Visit by Mrs Palm and her Five Daughters Winner: Lessons in Maturity by Fennelseed
I...uh...yeah. Blushing but very, very grateful. So I'm good at writing masturbation, am I? Bet my folks are really proud! This is SO going on my resume! :-D I owe many thanks to the way Elijah/Frodo went semi-orgasmic every time he touched the Ring. It made it very easy to write those scenes, which were pretty much just a natural extension of that. Only I let Sam touch Frodo's Ring too, if you know what I mean. Where was I?...Oh yeah: in this category, as with all of them, I had amazingly worthy competitors who wrote searingly hot scenes, and I recommend you go read them all. I am humbled!
Best Visit by Mrs Palm and her Five Daughters Runner-up: Falling into the Sky by Elanor Gardner
I guess I’m back again now to accept this here Golden Mushroom for Mister Frodo. He made me come, uh ... I mean ... he asked me to do this fer him, though I was a complete ninnyhammer tryin’ to do the last one for the kitchen table an’ all. He says it is only fair, seein’ as how I was ... uh ... well, I was witness to the ... uh ... well, I sort of saw ... uh ... what I am meaning to say here is that I can’t rightly figure how anyone, anytime could have had a visit from Mrs Palm and her Five Daughters that could hold a candle to what I seen in the Bag End bathing room that night! But Mister Frodo tells me that I must be gracious on his behalf and accept this here Runner-up Golden Mushroom and that I must also ‘concede’ to a Miz Fennel Seed, which, if I may say so, is a right fine name ta be associated with these awards here, as fennel seed tastes right good with mushrooms and sausage fried up all nice and ... Sorry, Mister Frodo’s callin’ me. Thank you again for him and me, and Elanorelle too! COMING MISTER FRODO!!!
Most Ingenious Sacrifice of Clothing Winner: The Hole Dwellers by Polecat
Firstly, we'd like to propose a toast to West of the Moon and the wonderful staff there who have worked so hard to conceive, organise and execute this series of Awards. That was an Oliphaunt-sized pile of work and no mistake. Skoal! Thank you to the readers out there who nominated and voted for us. *bow* We are both humbled and honoured and our greatest reward is the knowledge that we have brought you enjoyment. We hope that this award raises awareness of the importance of appropriate music and dance in any seduction. As you may already know, we do not record CDs as we believe only live music can convey true emotion, and we are permanently contracted to performing in Middle Earth. For those of you not able to visit Arda, but who desire to experience equally seductive (though, we hasten to add, quite different) music, we understand there was a composer on Earth called "Mozart" whose "Requiem" ranks as one of the most sensual piece of music ever written, a "Carl Orff" whose "Carmina Burana" works for many and a guy called "Benjamin Britten" whose "Hymn to St Cecilia" isn't quite as holy as the title implies. We have a note here from Sam, with a special thankyou for West of the Moon for the photograph of Frodo, taken whilst performing at the Ivy Bush. Frodo himself is currently unavailable for comment as he is still recovering from the effects of Sam, but we can assure you he is blissfully happy. May good music of all ages and worlds travel with you throughout your lives, hand in hand with joyous dancing and the best of company Yours in Gratitude The Hole Dwellers
Most Ingenious Sacrifice of Clothing Runner-up: An Ordinary Evening by Europanya
Frodo definitely
deserves all credit for this one. He's the one who
decided to get snippy with Sam resulting in this
naughty little game of theirs that became Ordinary
Evening. What better way to spend your evening than to
sit back with the Gaffer's home brew and order Frodo
to take off his clothes? I can't think of a better way
to kill time...unless Sam happens to be HANDCUFFED! (Fennelseed)
Best Hobbit Origami Winner: Symbiosis by Willow-wode
Best Hobbitpile Runner-up: Symbiosis by Willow-wode
(FRODO, SAM, MERRY and PIPPIN comes up to the podium) FRODO: Well. Willow is still tied up at present… PIPPIN: Oh, yes! We tied her up most properly—Sam knows a lot of really good knots, and he tied her right to the chair and Frodo told her she wasn't to leave it until she got at least 100 more pages of RoP done… MERRY: (grumps) Not that Pip and I are in part two so much… PIPPIN: But that's why we also told her she had to also write more hobbitsmut, remember Merry? And she promised that in the next one I get to be on top of Frodo-- SAM: Now, wait just a minute… PIPPIN: It's not very good, you know, me being in this acceptance speech, because I didn't get ANY in this particular fic! MERRY: (grins) Not yet, anyway. There's still hope for you in the next one. FRODO: (face-palms) Can I get on with the acceptance speech, now? SAM: Both of you keep yourselves quiet and let mister Frodo finish. FRODO: 'Symbiosis' has won two awards, so Willow wanted us to give mighty thanks for both-- MERRY: Well, it was good that it won 'Best Hobbit Origami', because you're so flexible, Frodo. In fact, I've seen you put your-- FRODO: (hisses) Merry! MERRY: Ooop. Sorry. FRODO: 'Symbiosis' also won runner-up for Best Hobbitpile— PIPPIN: (sagely) Never can be enough good hobbitpiles, I always say. FRODO: (resolutely) --and Willow wants it known that she feels quite honoured to receive these wonderful awards, that she thinks the icons are mightily keen, and that she wants to thank everyone who enjoyed 'Symbiosis' enough to vote for it in several categories. She was very pleasantly surprised, wasn't she, Sam? SAM: About as surprised as I was to find myself in bed with your cousins, yessir. (Frodo gives him a look) Well, it was right pleasant after I got over the first shock. I reckon miz Willow feels about the same. (Frodo grins. Noises start coming from behind the podium. Merry and Pippin have disappeared. Frodo frowns, then looks down, then grins wider and ducks behind the podium as Sam continues) SAM: But you know, she also said that it was only fitting that we should accept it for her, being that we're really the ones that deserve it for giving her all that inspiration… Hey!! *jumps and looks down* Mister Merry! Let go of my trousers. Mister Pippin! Shame on you both! Don't be giving inspiration in front of all these nice people… Hey! Let go! (Sam disappears behind podium) FRODO'S VOICE: Just lie back, Sam, and think of more hobbitpile smut for the nice readers… (Assorted noises, then Frodo pops back up, looking somewhat disheveled.) FRODO: Well, um… thank you all very much, and I... um… think I have to go now. Got a few cousins and… oh, my… a gardener to… sort out… um…. (mike falls off podium, screeching enthusiastically in everyone's ears)
Best Hobbit Origami Runner-up: The Code of the Brandybucks by Lobelia Sackville-Baggins
Best Peep Show Winner: An Awkward Position by Lobelia Sackville-Baggins
Best Tongue-Twister Winner: The Code of the Brandybucks by Lobelia Sackville-Baggins
The "I'm in the Mood for Love" Award Winner: Diversions by Lobelia Sackville-Baggins The Honorary Frodo Award: Damn, he really IS a screamer, isn't he? Winner: Rain by Lobelia Sackville-Baggins
As Mirabella is Good evening. I'm honored to accept the Golden Mushroom award on behalf of Mirabella and the cast of her fanfics. I discuss Mira's work with her often, and she has several times expressed surprise that her fanfics, particularly Rain and Code of the Brandybucks, have become as popular as they have. Personally, I believe that the source of her confusion is her entirely understandable, if inaccurate, tendency to look for an explanation in the quality of her writing rather than in the fact that my CotB counterpart and I are second only to Ewan McGregor in our willingness to take off our clothes in the cause of art. However, if believing that the virtue is hers keeps her happy, productive, and writing sex involving me, I'm willing to let her keep her illusions, and I trust that you all will as well. Mira is deeply grateful to the readers of West of the Moon for their positive response to her fics, and would particularly like to express her appreciation for Rain's award for Best Drama Queen. While I personally appreciate the sentiment, I feel that the term "drama queen" is not entirely appropriate. I prefer the title "Dark Lord of Drama," because I did almost keep the Ring and cover all the land in a second darkness, you know. I forgive Mira for not being sufficiently impressed by this fact even when I wear black and glower at her, so long as she keeps writing fics with me, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and the occasional stout length of rope. On behalf of Mirabella, the Shire, and myself, thank you and good night.
Best Stress Test on Non-Bedroom Furniture Winner: Before Breakfast by Elanor Gardner
Mister Frodo Baggins regrets that he cannot be here to accept this wonderful Golden Mushroom. And if you know Mister Frodo well, you know he loves mushrooms, and there’s not much would keep him from acceptin’ one, if you get my drift, but he is...uh, indisposed at the moment. There was this ... uh ... unfortunate accident yesterday involving-- Well, let’s just say that an ugly piece of parlour furniture that Miz Lobelia gave Mister Bilbo as a mathom a few years back is pretty nearly firewood, and Mister Frodo is ... uh ... is healing up nicely now that the splinters are out. I myself much prefer the kitchen table, but Mister Frodo will always be the adventuresome type. There was this one time in his study on his writing desk-- Well, I ended up with some fine elvish poetry on my backside for the longest and Mister Frodo--. Uh, I have probably said too much now, so I’ll be leavin’. Thank you kindly for this lovely award!!! We are all of us, Mister Frodo and me, and Elanorelle too, extremely grateful and honoured.
Best Stress Test on Non-Bedroom Furniture
Best Slip 'n Slide The Honorary Frodo Award: Damn, he really IS a screamer, isn't he? Runner-up: Rites of Passage - Chapter 20 by Willow-wode
MERIMAC: Well, my favorite cousin is seeing to the knots on Willow-wode's desk-chair. Seems they slipped—Sam tied them with his elven rope, and Willow invented a particular plot device in which elvish rope can be untied by other than its user. Old schtick, I know, but (shrugs) writers. Anyway, seeing as how I'm rather an (tosses hair and preens) instrumental character in this particular chapter, I decided that Frodo has been hogging the limelight entirely too much and that I should give out an award or two. Or three, now that I look at it. Hoy, good show! (grins at audience) You like me! You really like me! (clears throat) The story is a chapter from part one of Rites of Passage, and it has gotten the runner-up awards for-- FRODO: (panting) Sorry I'm late. But she's getting a bit edgy. I told her that she gets irritable in crowds, but she says she does quite fine onstage, thank you, and she's threatening to write me out of the story unless I untie her, which is just ridiculous-- MERIMAC: Excuse me. She threatened to write ME out of the story, Frodo. FRODO: (grins) Oh. Well, that's all right, then. MERIMAC: (crosses arms) Depends on whether you're interested in having more slippery and expert even-though-you're-just-a-bloody-tween-lucky-you-no-fumbling-about sex, doesn't it? *smirks* FRODO: (silent for a moment, then clears throat and continues) Point taken, cousin. Pray, continue. MERIMAC: I must tell you, the two of us had to work hard to re-enact that scene for Willow. Day and night— FRODO: It was tragic, how she worked us. MERIMAC: Exhausting. FRODO: Only because you're older. MERIMAC: Don't start that again… (Music starts playing) MERIMAC: Quiet! I am not done yet! So. We have three awards to thank you for, here. Runner up in all three categories—first, for Best Slip 'n Slide—Creative Use and Style of Lubricant— FRODO: (dreamily) Oh, yes… MERIMAC: Best Stress Test on Non-Bedroom Furniture (rubs back) and I don't mind telling you, that trunk was bloody HARD. FRODO: Not as hard as the kitchen table where Sam and I did it in Elanor Gardner's story… MERIMAC: (rather horrified) Sam's daughter wrote a story about you and her father doing it on the kitchen table? Ew. FRODO: (facepalms) What is it about the pseudonyms? No, Sam's daughter did not write a story about us on the table!!! But Elanor Gardner the author wrote a story about what Sam and I did in Bag End before breakfast one morning, and it was just… guh. (dreamy smile) It very much deserved to win the category. And there was this teapot… (Music plays) MERIMAC: Okay, okay! FRODO: 'Okay' is an anachronism, Mac. MERIMAC: A what? FRODO: Never mind, just don't say it. It irritates some people. MERIMAC: Certain clever cousins correcting my speech when I taught them everything they need to know about doing their gardeners on the kitchen table irritates ME. FRODO: (contemplates correcting the split infinitive, instead continues valiantly) And the third award is the Honorary Frodo Award, which I certainly think is apropos, but I feel that I must take some umbrage at the 'Damn, He Really IS a Screamer'-- MERIMAC: Well, you are. FRODO: Now, look. I am not that bad. This entire screaming thing has just gotten entirely too taken out of context-- (Offstage, SAM, MERRY and PIPPIN are heard laughing hysterically. Somewhere in the audience, MILO BURROWS has fallen from his chair giggling) FRODO: Hey! MERIMAC: Well, I think it's very fitting because the lovely, rather snarky Mirabella and the lovely, rather misanthropic Willow were, as I remember, the first two to enshrine this particular fact about your… um… tendency. (grins) FRODO: (puffs up) Well, somebody must appreciate it, if it got an award!! MERIMAC: Well, love, I appreciate it. I think I can say with certainty all of us do. Quite a turn-on, actually. Nice to get such vocal appreciation of one's… talents. (buffs nails on vest) (Music starts playing again. Loudly.) FRODO: (hurriedly) Willow wants it known that she congratulates all the winners, and gives many thanks to the readers who showed their appreciation for RoP by voting. She is really quite overwhelmed!!
Best Tongue-Twister Runner-up: Lying In Bed by Teasel
I'm delighted and relieved to concede the award for"Best Tongue-Twister -- need we explain?" to a splendid writer whose story apparently sucked more than mine did.
Best Hobbitpile Winner: Foolish Games by Bill the Pony
Accepted by Meriadoc
Brandybuck and Peregrin Took
Best Slip 'n Slide Winner: Tea & Lavender by Bill the Pony
Accepted by Gollum in
the absence of Frodo and Sam, who are, er, otherwise
occupied.
Best Chick!Frodo Runner-up: An Ordinary Evening by Europanya
I'd like to say thanks to the teeming masses of pervy hobbit fanatics like myself who enjoy a good domestic squabble between Chick!Fro and Stud!Sam over the serving of wines and ales and the questionable aesthetic value of a pair of grumpy dwarf beer steins gracing Bag End's kitchen. I love my femmy Fro and recognize that he does make the best of his own sense of Martha Stewartness in this tale. I take a deep bow for this special recognition and nudge the hobbit next to me busily fussing with his thick sable locks. Take a bow, chick!Fro! Lift that skirt! Whooo!
Most Frustrating Fade to Black Winner: The Making of Samwise by Bill the Pony
Accepted by Frodo
Baggins and S. Gamgee
Most Frustrating Fade to Black Runner-up: Heat Wave by Teasel
I'm delighted and
relieved to concede the award for "Most frustrating
fade to black" to a splendid writer who is apparently
even more frustrating than I am.
Most Creative Use of Vegetables Winner: The Two Prettiest by Fennelseed
Ah, this award means a lot to me. For one thing, it was a feat of no small scholarly achievement to research the existence of the edible Elven underpants-leaf (in Sindarin, Calatherienoraniluravawenadel), which is an oft-neglected yet symbolically significant material in Tolkien's writings. For another, you are dedicated hobbitslash folk - as am I - yet you gave me the benefit of the doubt and decided to read a Frodo/Legolas. They are one of the least likely couples ever devised within the Fellowship, but, you know, they really are pretty. Thank you so much for giggling like ten-year-olds right along with me.
Most Creative Use of Vegetables Runner-up: Recovery in Rivendell by Budgielover
I am proud and honored that West of the Moon has selected “Some Nameless Place” as the Winner of the “Best Use of Flame Outside of Mt. Doom” 2003 Golden Mushroom Award, and “Recovery in Rivendell” as Runner-up in two categories - the “Lost in Rivendell – are we there yet?” category and also for the “Most Creative Use of Vegetables – I didn't think you could DO that with a carrot!” category.
These two stories were a joy to write, and the warm welcome they each received in the LotRs fan fiction community is a testament to the generosity and hospitality (and sense of humor) of the fandom. I especially would like to thank my beta, Marigold, for the gift of her time and gentle application of her infamous ‘stickses.’ Lastly, I would like to thank West of the Moon for recognizing the stories, and for awarding them these tributes.
My thanks to everyone; voters, readers, organizers, fans and all, Budgielover
Best Wet 'n
Wild Winner: Rights of passage - Chapter 18 by Willow-wode
FRODO: Well, here we are, back again. MERIMAC: You know, this is brilliant. I mean, I'm essentially an OC and all these people like me anyway! FRODO: It's probably because you're shagging me, don't you think? MERIMAC: Well mister smarty-breeches, just wait until I make her write that story about me, Milo Burrows and Paladin Took in the hayloft and we'll see if those lovely readers even miss your pretty little— PALADIN: (stands up in audience) Word!! MERIMAC: Hoy! Thain-Dude—how ya been? FRODO: (face-palms) Mac, I keep telling you about these anachronism things… MERIMAC: You really don't have a sense of humour, do you? Like that Teasel lady—she coined that brilliant 'Hobbit Origami' phrase—for which we all owe her a juniper oil backrub and some slap-and-tickle—and I hear tell some silly person was calling her on that—man! SENSE OF HUMOUR, DUDE. BE THERE. FRODO: Oh-KAY. I mean, all right. I mean… ohhhh, never mind. Go on. MERIMAC: Since they had to put Willow in the sideboard as well as tie her up-- FRODO: She went voluntarily! MERIMAC: Not this time, lad. I saw you gag her. FRODO: (sulkily) Well, she likes it… MERIMAC: So do you. Which is why we're here, right? To celebrate a few kinks? (Music begins to play. Merimac bends down, picks up a rock and throws it at the orchestra pit. There is a sound like a dying tuba.) FRODO: (continues, looking worried) This award is for 'Best Wet and Wild—Hobbits are Slippery When Wet… (grins) and boy are we! MERIMAC: And I'm sure that Willow would want us to say that she's really thrilled to receive this award. I know that Frodo was really thrilled to receive his… erm… initiation into the pleasures of life in a nice, hot bathtub. FRODO: I was. Yes. Before I put the gag on her, Willow said to be sure and thank all the readers who have given her this special honour. But she's busily writing, now, and can't be disturbed. MERIMAC: Except by us, natch. Thank you all!
The
Tie-Me-Up Tie-Me-Down Award Winner: Cuffed by Fennelseed
I'm a little embarrassed here, not just because you must NEVER EVER tell anyone I wrote this story, but because I really think Europanya deserves the award. Mostly, though, I'm just glad you didn't all run away, squicked beyond repair. I know some of you were, and I'm sorry about that. I'm still sending money for your psychotherapy bills, since it really is the least I can do.
The
Tie-Me-Up Tie-Me-Down Award Runner-up: Art Nouveau by Willow-wode
FRODO: (comes to podium) Hullo. Hullo… is this thing working? (taps microphone—many audience members clutch at their ears) Oh. Right. Sorry. (stands up straight) I'd like to accept this Runner-Up award on behalf of our beloved chronicler and Mother Confessor… SAM: Erm, pardon me, mister Frodo, but I think I understand the 'chronicler' bit, but 'Mother Confessor'? FRODO: (covers microphone, in stage whisper) Well, what would you call it when we shut her in a box and make her listen to all those stories about things we've done? SAM: Oh, aye. I s'pose you're right, then. FRODO: (turns back to audience) Sorry. As I was saying, we accept this Runner-Up award on behalf of Willow-wode. I'm terribly sorry for this proxy acceptance, but Willow is unable to make any acceptance speeches because she's a little tied up at present… SAM: Which is quite proper, it is, considering how this award is for being Tied Up or Tied Down. And I'm thinking we should keep her there until you and I get a little more 'down time', if you take my meaning… FRODO: Erm. Yes. Um. Well. Willow says thank you, and she is very pleased that you all enjoyed 'Art Nouveau' enough to give it such an honour. She wishes to congratulate mistress Fennelseed for her win, and for being dashed quick enough to get handcuffs on us! And she also wishes to thank the lovely Shadowfax for sponsoring the awards… SAM: The awards were sponsored by Gandalf's horse? FRODO: Oh, Sam! Shadowfax is the webmistress for west-of-the-moon.net, who did the awards, remember? In fact, I think you know her—you and she have quite a lot in common… SAM: (grins) We both want to jump your bones? FRODO: (gives up) Willow is very grateful for her award! Thanks to all of you.
The Honorary Frodo Award: Damn, he really IS a screamer, isn't he? Runner-up: A Gardener's Plot by Ghyste
A hush descends upon the audience as the heavy velvet
curtains sweep open to reveal, not the former
Ringbearer as might reasonably have been expected, but
a dwarf standing alone in the centre of the stage. Gimli
waits for the murmuring to subside before addressing
the waiting audience.
"I really wish you wouldn't keep using that word,"
Legolas mutters back. Upon opening his eyes once more, Legolas notes that the parts of Gimli’s face not covered with carefully brushed beard are beginning to colour and he can’t resist adding, “ Anyhow, I did ask Sam."
"What did he say?" asks Gimli in all innocence. “OH, SAM!" Legolas weathers the storm with grace and, once to has passed, helps Gimli back to his feet. It seems that even a low centre of gravity is no match for the raw strength of hobbit passion. Gimli brushes himself down and addresses the audience once more: "Well, since it looks like the guest of honour isn't going to be in any fit state to accept the Award, we would like to thank everyone who voted for Ghyste's 'A Gardener's Plot' in the 'Honorary Frodo' category of the 2003 Golden Mushroom Awards. Though the elf and I don’t have quite the talent for vocal appreciation as some others that I could mention, we're all very thrilled to be runner-up. Now, if you would excuse us, I think we need to go home and have a bit of a lie down before we start on the soundproofing." As they turn to leave, Legolas remarks to his friend, “You know, we could always live underground. It’d be nice and quiet and we wouldn’t have to have any windows.” Gimli pats him on the hand, “We still wouldn’t escape the earth tremors, my friend.”
The Honorary Sam Award: Coming, Sir! Winner: Nocturnal Admissions by Fennelseed
You love me! You REALLY love me! Or at least you love Sam loving his Mr. Frodo. And don't we all? Honestly, folks, I am quite thrilled about this award. I stand in the company of giants among my fellow nominees - to name just the most recent one, I read "The Last Shreds of Autumn" for the first time the other week, and am still daydreaming about it. There are so many remarkable, satisfying orgasms being written down out there, so many who deserve to win. I share this award with them all. *kisses it and passes it around* *includes a handkerchief in case you want to wipe it off before touching it*
The Honorary Sam Award: Coming, Sir! Runner-up: All That I Had - Chapter 4: Standing Still by Elenya
Elenya waits patiently
for Frodo and Sam to appear. Then she waits
impatiently. Finally she gives up and goes to knock
loudly on their bedroom door.
I am here tonight to
accept this prestigious award on behalf of Frodo and
Sam, who are sadly indisposed. What can I say? It was
all their idea, I just wrote it down. Don't thank me,
thank them.
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