West of the Moon
A Tolkien Fanfiction Archive
Banned from Buckland
Smutty silly disgusting filksong,
with abject apologies to Leslie Fish.
Category: Humor
Submitted: 5/10/03
To the Tune of 'BANNED FROM ARGO' by Leslie Fish We all rode into Brandy Hall for a fine midsummer stay We had high expectations—it was Merry’s special day! With cakes and ale and dancing; more ale and then some more But Buckland wasn’t ready for what really was in store (chorus) We were banned from Buckland, banned from Buckland every one Banned from Buckland just for having a little fun They say when we’re together that we get a little… rough Now Buckland doesn’t want us, right enough! Bilbo was the first to err; his fall was quite spectacular Six elves he’d snuck inside the Hall for their technical vernac’lar Coaching hobbits gathered round; he was quite the wise old sage He’s really quite athletic for a hobbit of his age! Pippin might be little but he’s loud about his needs A dynamo when primed with ale and a certain kind of weed He wore out several lasses then he went to the Ferry bay Merry had to drag him from four sailors at the quay Then Merry had the tables turned; he’d thought to save Pip’s virtue But ended up against the stable wall way past the curfew Came dragging in next morning with a dopey, smirking look It must be true what’s said about the… talents of a Took We were banned from Buckland, banned from Buckland every one Banned from Buckland just for having a little fun They say when we’re together that we get a little… rough Now Buckland doesn’t want us, right enough! Frodo might be quiet, but for trouble he’s no slacker His innocent demeanor hides a sense of humor blacker Not content with mere rapaciousness, he started taking bets As to how long he’d outlast them all, and in how many sets Sam, his tastes were simple but his methods were complex We found him doing Frodo atop an ancient elvish text He’d really fooled us with that role of oh, so dull and meek The paper cuts alone could keep them bedridden for weeks We were banned from Buckland, banned from Buckland every one Banned from Buckland just for having a little fun They say when we’re together that we get a little… rough Now Buckland doesn’t want us, right enough! Fatty got some pipeweed that was questionable in make He tried to fly out of a tree and landed in the lake Running through the hallways crying fire! and fall and foes! We tackled him and tied him up from head to soggy toes Rosie took on Fatty and then went a-hunting Sam ‘Foiled by th’ Squire!’ she was heard to cry, poor lamb! But three’s a magic number, so her mind was changed and how Better give in than fight it—and she’s singing elvish now! On the third day all the party moved to a pub across the river Some Men came wand’ring in and they all set the place a-quiver The hobbitlads were gathered there and invited them to play But all the Men just looked, then gaped, and then they ran away We were banned from Buckland, banned from Buckland every one Banned from Buckland just for having a little fun They say when we’re together that we get a little… rough Now Buckland doesn’t want us, right enough!